How to write a eulogy

What is a eulogy?

A eulogy is a short speech about the person who has died, given at the funeral by someone who knew them. That is the eulogy meaning in plain terms: one person speaking, for a few minutes, about another person they loved.

A eulogy is not an obituary, which is a factual summary of a life written for print or a website. If you need one, death notices and obituaries follow different conventions. A eulogy is not a sermon either. The word comes from the Greek eulogia, meaning "good words" or "praise", by way of the Latin eulogium (Merriam-Webster; Oxford English Dictionary).

The purpose is narrower than most people assume. A eulogy is not trying to cover an entire life. It is trying to help the room remember the person properly. If the room nods, smiles, tears up and recognises them, the eulogy has done its job.

How long should a eulogy be?

A eulogy should be 500 to 700 words, which comes out at 3 to 5 minutes spoken aloud.

• Word count: 500 to 700 words, the usual length for a funeral eulogy.

• Time spoken aloud: 3 to 5 minutes, at a normal speaking pace.

• Shortest that works: 2 minutes, delivered well and finished.

• Long enough to risk it: 10 minutes, especially if you may not get through it.

• One memory, told properly: 2 minutes, which beats 6 minutes of generalities.

Check the timing with whoever is running the service, because the eulogy sits inside a fixed slot alongside music and readings. Most UK crematoria book services in slots of 30 to 45 minutes. Bridgend Council's Coychurch Crematorium allows 30 minutes, for example, and Walsall Council's crematorium allows 45 (Bridgend Council; Walsall Council). If the slot is tight, cut rather than rush. For the wider timeline, see how long after death is a funeral.

What is the best structure for a eulogy?

The best structure for a eulogy is 5 short parts, not a chronology. Eulogies that land almost never start at birth and work forward to the date of death, because that format fights the point.

• Context: 1 sentence, who you are and how you knew the person.

• One specific memory: 2 minutes, a single scene rather than a summary of a whole relationship.

• One quality, with evidence: 1 story, chosen because most of the room will recognise it.

• One thing they said: 1 phrase, in their own words.

• The close: 1 or 2 sentences, addressed to them or to the room, simple rather than grand.

Write the memory first and the opening line last, because the opening is the hardest sentence and gets easier once you know what it introduces.

What does a eulogy example look like?

A eulogy example following that structure runs like this, with invented names.

You open with one line: "I'm Dan, and Ray was my dad." Then straight into one scene. "He drove me to swimming at 6 in the morning, every Saturday, for 11 years. Same flask of tea every time. He always let me pick the radio station."

Then the quality, already proved. You never have to call Ray devoted, because the room has just watched him sit in a cold car park at 6am for 11 years.

Then his phrase, in his words, whatever he said every time you left the house. Then 2 sentences to close. Filled out, that is roughly 500 words and 4 minutes on the day.

How do you make a eulogy specific instead of generic?

Name what the person did, rather than what they were like. Specificity is the single biggest thing separating a memorable eulogy from a forgettable one.

"He was a devoted father" is generic. Every father is described as devoted at his funeral, and the room has heard it so often it barely registers. The swimming detail above does the same job and more, because the room can see it.

If you are stuck, ask what they did repeatedly, not what adjectives fit them. The doing is where the person lives. The same instinct is why celebration of life ideas work best when drawn from real habits.

Should you quote the person in their own words?

Yes, quote them directly, and say the actual words out loud. A catchphrase, a saying, a piece of advice they repeated, a swear word they were fond of or a particular way of answering the phone all work. The room will laugh or cry or both, because a phrase in their own voice brings them back faster than any description can.

Even someone who was not obviously quotable had 1 or 2 things they always said. Ask other people who knew them. You only need one.

Can a eulogy be honest about someone's flaws?

Yes, a eulogy can acknowledge difficulty, temper, contradiction, estrangement and humour about someone's flaws. It does not have to, but the eulogies people remember tend to tell the truth with warmth rather than paint a saint.

Smoothing a life into a highlight reel is tempting. Resist it. A eulogy describing someone as unfailingly patient, endlessly kind and always cheerful rings false, and the people closest to them feel it most.

John Cleese opened his eulogy for Graham Chapman by calling it sad that "a man of such talent" was "spirited away at the age of only 48", then answering himself: "nonsense. Good riddance to him, the freeloading bastard!" The room laughed because it was recognisably true of their relationship. Nobody is suggesting you open with that. Honesty, in the register the person actually lived in, carries further than dignity in a register they never used.

How do you deliver a eulogy without breaking down?

Practise, but not to memorise. The aim of practice is to find the 2 or 3 places where your voice catches. Mark them on the page, slow down when you reach them, and take a breath.

Print the eulogy in a large font with wide line spacing, because you cannot read small text while crying. Carry a glass of water. Nominate someone in the front row who can step up and finish if you cannot, give them a copy, and tell them in advance.

If you break down, stop. Take the water. Look up. Everyone in the room is on your side and they will wait. Reading the whole thing from the page is fine. Eye contact is a nice-to-have, not the point.

What should you leave out of a eulogy?

Leave out anything the room did not come to hear. 5 things rarely serve a eulogy well.

• Detailed medical information about how the person died, especially if it was traumatic. If the cause of death matters to the story, 1 sentence is enough.

• Old family disputes. A funeral is not the place to settle them, and the people involved will remember it for years.

• Long readings of someone else's words. A short poem at the end works well, but several back to back becomes an anthology and loses the person. The same rule applies to funeral songs: 1 that fits them beats 3 that do not.

• In-jokes that only 3 people understand. The other 40 people will feel excluded.

• Religious content that does not reflect the person's beliefs. If they were not religious, making them sound religious is a kind of erasure.

What if you are not the right person to write the eulogy?

Ask someone else to write it or deliver it. Sometimes you are the closest family member and you have been asked, but you are too close, too raw, or worried you will not get through it.

A less immediate relative, a close friend of theirs or the celebrant can take it on. Share your stories with whoever you choose. Having someone else read it is not a failure, and the eulogy will still be yours. Many humanist and religious celebrants write eulogies from family input as a normal part of what they do.

How do you start a eulogy when the page is blank?

Write a list before you write a sentence. In no particular order, put down:

• 3 concrete things the person did repeatedly.

• 2 things they always said.

• 1 moment you remember with them in detail.

• 1 thing about them that other people might not have known.

That is the raw material, and almost any eulogy can be built from it. You will use less than half the list, but writing it shows you which piece wants to sit at the centre of the speech.

The pressure people put on themselves to produce a perfect speech is heavier than the room expects. Stand up, say their name, tell one true story and sit down.